Please Accept My Apologies

It is some months since I have written a blog. Life was such that I needed to take some time for myself.

So many changes and much self reflection and I am still trying to figure it all out.

I will endeavour to write entries on a more regular basis as I still have much to say.

Life totally confounds me at times, the world as I see it, has become so chaotic and is struggling under the pressure of an outdated way of living and yet we all cling to it because it is all we know.

Let’s break the chains of modern slavery.

Real Love

Real Love

DISCLAIMER  :  I AM WRITTING ABOUT MY REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE AND CERTAIN THINGS MENTIONED MAY BE A TRIGGER FOR SOME PEOPLE, SUFFERING FROM COMPLEX PTSD AND OTHER MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES.

How often do we see young women and teenagers who present themselves in a sexually suggestive way. These young women seem to seek an abnormal amount of male attention. It surprises me the number of young teens who dress in such a way that shows a lot of skin and is sexually suggestive, regardless of the weather. The number of young girls who want to grow up too fast is alarming and it can often be attributed to a lack of a strong father figure or abuse at some point in their life. It’s often a lack of self-esteem and self-respect at play.

I was one of those young girls, I sought male attention and was often quite desperate in my actions. I was reluctant to dress suggestively though, as I had been body shamed and made to feel that I was unattractive.

My father was a great dad when he was allowed to be but this happened all too rarely. My mother was a difficult person to be around and my dad thought that his absence in the house, due to long work hours or sporting interests, would make for a more conducive environment for my brother and I to thrive in. Unfortunately it only made for a more abusive and unsettled atmosphere where I felt very much alone and unwanted.

From ages 6-8, I was sexually molested by my 14 year old brother. I was continually forced to lay with him as he touched me inappropriately. Luckily with no sexual penetration. The unfortunate part about this, the abuse probably went on for at least 2-3 years but I have very little memory of about 2 years of my life. His behaviour was left unchecked because both my parents were often at work or sleeping due to shift work. They did have a babysitter from time to time but most of the time I was left with my much older brother. It wasn’t until mum came home from work early one afternoon and saw for herself what he was doing to me, there was no denying it.

Her method of dealing with it was to punish both of us and blame me for what happened.  I was sworn to secrecy and it was never mentioned again. My father never knew. My brother wasn’t really held responsible for his actions and I never got the help I so desperately needed.

I have strong memories of my sexuality being triggered early. The only attention I seemed to get that made me feel good, was the sexual molestation at the hands of my sibling, and this taught me that in order to get the attention and love I so desperately craved, I had to be sexual. I lost my virginity at 13 and was sexually active from then on. My interest in boys began very early and I was always trying to get the boys attention. At 13 I was dating 18 year old men and older. I found myself in compromising and very dangerous situations. I was raped at 13 as a result, which I hid because, I didn’t want to bring shame to my family, I knew what my mother’s reaction would be and I just couldn’t face it.

I never settled long term with any boyfriend because of the shame I felt about my unattractiveness and unworthiness. I was quick to become sexual with all males I found myself attracted to, because in my own dysfunctional way of thinking I thought that was what love was all about. I grew up thinking love was about abuse and Sex.

In relationships I settled for partners and often found myself in neglectful, abusive and controlling relationships. I had no boundaries. I believe I hid the true me because I felt if my own mother found me unlovable, how can anyone else love me. I lied and changed myself so much to fit in, to be what others wanted me to be. I don’t know what love and really intimacy is. I don’t understand it. It seems like it is something ever elusive to me.

The only love and intimacy I can deal with and understand, is that which I have shared with my pets. I have had a number of Dogs and now have a cat. The love I give and receive with these beings is unconditional, I can be myself and know that I am not judged. They don’t see what my mother saw in me, they don’t see my unworthiness or my failures, they only see how I care for them unconditionally.

I never had children because I don’t know what a mother really is or should be. I didn’t want to do to my children what I had done to me by my mother. I realised as a step mum I struggled to emotionally connect with my partner’s child, but I did take care of her and give her the life experience guidance she needed, and in my own funny way I showed her I loved her. As is often the case in broken families, the child is very confused and upset that their parents aren’t together and the younger they are, the more difficult it can be, for them to adjust. I was continually rejected by an innocent and on an intellectual level I understood why but, it was still rejection to me, the same kind of rejection that continued to factor in my entire life.

I tried to protect this child from the life I had when I was young. I tried to get her father to do what she needed him to do, be who she needed him to be, simply because my own father had mistakenly thought he was doing the right thing for his children and ultimately failed us.  What some people need to realise, there are those given the gift of being a parent, who aren’t emotionally equipped to deal with it. And as a result they do more damage to this young innocent life than they do good. And the other parent, thinking they are doing the right thing, tries to negotiate, to work with, to keep the peace, etc;  but end up failing because they don’t understand the person they are dealing with is a dysfunctional human being. Often the one parent can be lacking in empathy and is still functioning at the emotional level of a toddler, because something happened to them, that scarred them and affected them to the point they were emotional stunted.

Narcissistic parents have utilised techniques that we find abhorrent when it is used in any normal situation, but it is done behind closed doors and in such a way that it is hard to detect in the real world. These people are chameleons and masters of disguise and have an iron grip on their children that is unbreakable, except by the child themselves. To become a doctor it takes years of study and practical work to qualify but a parent doesn’t need a licence, as reproduction is part of our physical makeup.

What is real love? I wish I knew. I have grown to love and accept myself and realise my mother failed me in so many ways. I have come to accept there are certain things I can’t change about myself but I no longer feel guilty or shameful because of something that was done to me. It is a daily ritual for me to nurture and respect myself. To give myself the love and acceptance I was denied as a child. I don’t see myself as a victim any more, I survived and became so strong as a result of this. I am the strongest person I know and I trust only myself and my animals of course.

 

Anger Issues

Anger Issues

(Photo courtesy of The movie “Anger Management”)

The other day whilst out running some errands, I noticed something about many people who happened to cross my path. They were angry, stressed, and just generally had a scowl on their faces. Granted it is School Holidays and this can be very stressful for the average parent, but surely it can’t be that bad.

It’s not just angry people that seem to abound everywhere, I also see my fill of people who are either entirely selfish or so caught up in their own little world, and therefore their own misery and chaos, that actions such as common courtesy and manners don’t seem to matter.

The world we live in, is hard. Life is running at a break neck pace, that many struggle to catch up. In spite of unions, early last century, working so hard to establish some boundaries where workers had rights as far as pay and hours were concerned, many workplaces are now reverting back to expecting their employees to work longer hours and complete insurmountable work loads that far exceed the hours they are being paid for. If they complain they are indirectly threatened with the loss of their jobs.

And why do we tolerate this?  Because we have been sold a lie packaged up to look like a dream life. In order to be accepted and acceptable we must live a certain lifestyle and have a home of our own, meanwhile many people struggle with massive debt because of this dream we all blindly aim for, not realising the reality and the enormity of it. The real estate market has climbed to such a high in many countries that the average person has been priced out of the market. Gone are the days where we only got into debt for a home of our own and we bought what we could afford. It was nothing unusual for 4 kids to be sharing one bedroom, that’s just how it was. There was none of this, each kid having their own bedroom, clothes were handed down and you had good clothes for Sunday and going out.

We have given up our lives to slavery to pay for an ideal, for a dream that we were convinced is what we want. We are sold this ideal everywhere we go and look. No wonder why we are so miserable.

I understand this emotional reaction to what we have chosen to do, as I have been guilty of it myself. Living beyond your means seems to be more that acceptable, and yet how many are getting into financial trouble and declaring bankruptcy, having to give up our homes and cars all because we wanted something better than our parents.

Financial issues are relationship killers, a cause of mental health issues and physical illness. It destroys families, it destroys people, it damages our soul and our well-being. And the worst part about all this is so many are struggling in silence because they see this as a personal failure, a sign of weakness, because they aren’t living like everyone else. Asking for help, is akin to admitting you aren’t as good as everyone else pretends to be.

We live in such a pretentious and false society, where record numbers of people have plastic surgery to look “perfect”, where so many have 100s of 1000s of dollars of debt. We have become a wasteful society where quick fashion and hoarding seem to be the order of the day.

No wonder why so many of us are miserable. We hide who we truly are because those who buck the system are ostracised and bullied because of their differences. Even our Spirituality has become fashionable, or up market and we have sustain an image to be accepted.

Many are starting to choose a simple life, happiness and security, over this impossible dream. We choose to be ourselves and to live such a life that allows financial freedom. And to hell with what the masses think. We choose to be free of societal constraints, but many of us have had no choice, being forced to live a very frugal life because of a loss of employment or ill health interfering with our ability to work. It also causes issues if one partner in a relationship is frugal and other hasn’t learned the valuable lesson of not committing yourself beyond your means.

On a final note we are also taught that certain behaviour is not acceptable in society and often we mask our emotions to appear as if we are accepting of things. Failure and mistakes are considered a form of weakness and unworthiness by society in general. What happened to giving a thought to how our neighbour is fairing. Connecting to family, friends and the general community.

EMOTIONS ARE NOT A BAD THING, WHAT WE DO WITH THEM REALLY DOES MATTER.

 

 

 

 

 

Is Social Media a Positive or Negative Influence?

Is Social Media a Positive or Negative Influence?

Having been involved with Social Media for more than 6 Years, in its various forms, I have had some negative and some very positive experiences. The friends I have made over this time, some I will never meet because of distance, others I have made outside Social Media and all are my family.

Some I met in social and support groups, others I met in person at various events, places etc, others we share common interests, and others were friends of friends. The occasional one out of the blue just popped up and asked for friendship.

Facebook because, of its popularity, has featured high in my connections with friends and a lot of it has been positive and beneficial. Don’t get me wrong I have had some terrible experiences with my account being hacked and scammers always approaching me as well as those pretending to be friends, due to connections through mutual friends or groups, but turned out to be bullies and trolls just looking to get their venom fix for the day.

I have been a member of many different types of groups and have had some great experiences as a result. Some of my Facebook friends are those who I connected with on a deep level within a group.

We also have Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat and many others I haven’t even bothered to check out. And don’t forget the dating Apps. Being in a relationship I haven’t checked out the dating sites but I have heard stories about various experiences.

Yesterday I posted in a mental health support group for people like myself. I only ever post in there because it is one place where I can speak my mind about what I am dealing with and not have to worry about anyone, I know personally, knowing about it. I don’t expect anyone to comment or even like my post because that is not what I post for. Purely an opportunity for me to vent, as well as to share my story in the hope that it may help others. And up pops another member who was either, triggered by something I said or was having a bad day, and decided to be sarcastic and judgemental. I was very hurt by these comments but voiced my thoughts on her comments in a way that cannot be considered retaliatory or rude, it took me a while to compose myself so I could answer her. I also reported it to Admin as per the Group rules. The members of this group are in various stages of vulnerability and also at various stages of healing and I understand that. Posting, I am always mindful of this.

And this is not the first time this has happened, in groups like this. New Age and Spiritual groups are probably the worst, in spite of the general impression of what the group represents, there are always cliquey little groups that think they know it all and you have to live by their rules or you are bullied and sent private messages filled with their agenda. You feel pushed to leave because of this.

Support groups on-line are a great resource but they also have their problems. Once the group becomes so large it is hard for Admin to police the rules effectively. And as much as they screen members they can’t predict how someone will behave as, lets face it, we can pretend to be anyone on here.

Social Media is a great form of communication and also a wonderful way to connect to others as well as learn so much, make friends you might never have connected with otherwise.

But is also a place where exploitation in all its forms happen. Predators of all forms use it as a hunting ground. There are also those who have a cause or an agenda they want to pursue, who push it down other’s throats.

I personally hate seeing cruelty to animals and humans being splashed across my news feed as it personally upsets me very much, it stays with me for days and truly upsets me. I understand the need to stop all abuse and cruelty but there are other ways to productively and actively promote and support, without graphic content.  Plus many don’t realise when someone posts their evil doings on Social Media they are looking for Fame, for Notoriety. Name and Shame the Perpetrator, don’t re-victimize the victim.

Racism is rampant on Social Media as is bullying. Seeing people of all kinds being victimized by others who don’t seem to understand or follow the mob when it comes to something different to what they are. It is so disappointing that so many of us feel it is okay to be rude, judgemental and vindictive without a thought to the damage they have done to another person.

Thanks to the various forms of Social Media, Self-Involvement, Blatant Self-Promotion, Shallowness and Narcissism are on the increase. It has opened up so many individuals to increased and ‘around the clock’ harassment and bullying to the point where it invades every second of their life. And the pack mentality has become far worse. One person makes a derogatory remark and next thing everyone feels the need to join in.

So much is misquoted and photoshopped, history is violated for the sake of shock value and click bait. Why must some exploit for the sake of getting a reaction. Why is there so much hatred and cruelty?

I struggle with the way the world is today because of what I have witnessed, first hand. I find myself withdrawing from social media because of all the negativity and the toxic environments and situations that cross my device screens everyday. I once considered myself quite a Spiritual Person but what is represented in Media and generally now has me wondering if I have lost my way or have others. New Churches are cropping up everywhere and many use methods of indoctrination and brainwashing, Neuro-Linguistic Programming and other forms of Auto-suggestion to con people into following them. And a number of the Older Religions of the world have become so infected by greed and power they have also lost their way. They seems to prey on those vulnerable and innocent, those who have suffered loss or neglect, all for material or financial gain.

At present my thoughts on Social Media tend to sway in the direction of negatively impacting us as a society, and those who control these various forms of Media seem to not care about the negative impact it has on so many.

 

 

 

 

My Mother’s Daughter

My Mother’s Daughter

As a child I was raised to fear and to just survive. As an adult I used dysfunctional ways of coping and dealing with life’s little ups and downs. I doubted myself and what my purpose was in this world, why was I even born if I was so unworthy, so useless.

My mother hated my existence, she tolerated me because she had no choice. She taught me to behave in a certain way that kept the peace. And yet it was an impossible task having to keep her happy. This woman was tormented by her childhood and the lies she was raised to believe, she lived my childhood, and in spite of her pain and suffering she inflicted the same on her children as her parents had done.

I became this little girl who was afraid to do anything wrong and learned that what I needed and what was important to me wasn’t necessary. This little shadow of a child walked around the house pretending not to be there, a mouse afraid of my own shadow. Quietly hiding in my bedroom feeling lonely beyond the telling of it.

I ached to feel normal, to be part of that ideal family that loved each other and accepted each other. Being allowed to feel and to be soothed and nurtured was a feeling I desperately craved but didn’t realise what it was that I needed.

I was taught by my sibling that the only way to get love was to be sexual, so I confused sex and promiscuity as the way to get someone to love me. Abuse was part of my daily existence and it was normal, it was what I grew to expect and know.

I learned from a young age to fend for myself, to take care of my physical needs. I had no choice, I cooked meals and learned to clean, I became independent very early on. The number of nights and days I spent on my own, even in a house full of people, were numerous.

So as an adult, I attracted people who took advantage of me, partners who were abusive, sexual encounters that didn’t sit well with my own sense of morality. The more I tried to find love the more alone I felt, the unhappier I became. I craved belonging, I craved love but I didn’t know how to accept it. I craved normality but always ended up with chaos.

Trust issues are a big part of who I am, and the inability to let someone in to love me is another. I know my failure in all my relationships, I gave in to keep the peace, I gave in to not have to engage in conflict. And I shut down to protect myself from the pain.

Yes I am flawed, I know that, and there is a part of me that will never let anyone in. I don’t trust anyone, I don’t want to be loved anymore because all it has given me is pain. I have so many triggers thanks to my childhood, I honestly don’t believe I will ever find love in the way most people take for granted.

I look at the world we live in and all I see, especially now, is narcissism running rampant, people exploiting others for their own selfish gains. So many families so unhealthy and dysfunctional, and so-called Christian souls exploiting those suffering and damaged souls for their own gain. The organised religions we trusted so much turned out to be more corrupt and evil than the worst of man kind.

Maybe I am completely to blame for my failed marriages, maybe I am totally responsible for how my life has turned out. Maybe I never gave them a chance? I know I struggled with being a step mum, because I didn’t know what a real mum would be like.

All this I accept about myself, I truly am my mother’s daughter, I became exactly what she wanted me to be. I don’t fit in, I don’t belong, and maybe I was never meant to. I have this huge wall around me that is impenetrable. I don’t trust, I don’t want to love any more. I look for reasons to walk away, I look for the worst in people when they get too close. I reject before I get rejected myself. I accept that about myself, I know my flaws, I know who I am, and what I can change I have. Misery has been a familiar friend my entire life, but I still see the beauty in others, I still see the beauty in this world. I know it exists.

I am what my mother made me.

Poverty

Poverty

In a day where excess seems to be the way to live there are so many living in Poverty. How often do they show the advertisements of starving children in Third World Countries and how only $10 a month will help them to have a better life. What about our children in our own countries, our elderly and families, couples, singles who struggle to keep a roof over their head.

I live in one such household. A lot of bad financial decisions and circumstances that were beyond my control and we struggle to pay all our expenses. Last week it was lack of food and bills not being paid, I am at least a month behind on utility bills. This week, short on the rent and bills but we can eat. We are fortunate that the owner is private and understands our situation, but sooner or later even she will get annoyed to the point where she has not alternative but to evict us. We need new tires on the car and a re-possessor is trying to take it off us because of a bank that is under the illusion that they can actually recoup the amount we own on the Car Loan with the sale of the vehicle, unfortunately it isn’t worth it.

I belong to many charity groups on Social Media and I know only too well what families are going through out in our suburbs. The drug and alcohol problems are rife and nearly 400,000 children in foster care. So many families relying on the barter and donation system to just get the necessities. Even some Charities have had to start charging a couple of dollars for hampers, just to keep being able to feed the homeless and poor in our communities.

The humility you have to face begging for help, you feel so helpless, but at the same time when the kindness of strangers keeps you fed for another week or makes your Christmas just a little bit better, it is humbling and a blessing.

Most of my life I have always been able to remain independent and take care of myself but now it has become so hard. If we could move into a much smaller and cheaper place we would but moving costs money that we don’t have. It’s such a terrible cycle of struggle, and we have no family to help or to take us in.

Our society is so focused on the acquisition of money and material wealth, and yet so many of us go without. And the con artists and drug dealers etc, prey on the pain of those who have trouble facing the desperation of their life and sell the drugs that destroys so many lives. Children are living in filth and destitution because their parents can’t cope and don’t realise life is about responsibility. They choose to escape.

There are days when I want to walk out the door with my cat and disappear. We need the vehicle as we use it to run a small business from home to bring in extra cash. But if the bank take it from us we will be worse off than we are now. We have no insurance on the car and don’t have the money to do any repairs. We have sold everything we can and are looking at selling the washing machine to get some cash to buy the tires we need so desperately for the car.

Both my partner and I have health issues that restrict us from working, so we have to rely on Social Security payments, which don’t meet our needs. When we moved into this house we had a business and my partner worked so life was good. We should have saved for a rainy day and we should have curbed our spending, but we didn’t.

 

Christianity

Christianity

Christianity has been with us for a few Centuries. It has been labelled the Faith of Jesus, who was born Jewish and followed their practices for most of his life. His rebellion against the Church came about because they had lost their way and had become Greedy and Corrupt. Temples were being used for business trading which was, in turn, lining the pockets of the Church Leaders. The Jewish Church then banished and maligned him and was eventually the death of this man.

So many, including the Roman Empire, sent many spies into his ranks over the years to gather evidence against Jesus, but failed every time. Even John who, is mentioned in,  and has several Chapters in the New Testament, was in fact, a roman solder who was sent into to gather evidence against Jesus. John even admits this himself. One just has to read the bible from cover to cover, to know that.

In the mid 325 AD, the council of Nicaea was formed to decide which testaments would be contained in the bible, and this was further edited around the 10th Century where a number of testaments were removed. Bear in mind, the bible was also interpreted from a dead language and often words and meanings were often guessed at or misinterpreted.

The Roman Empire couldn’t destroy Jesus’ doctrine and his following, so they decided to adopt it for themselves and use many Pagan holidays as a reference to those cultures who believed in Paganism and other older religions around the world. And with this interference from them, came the rules, created by Religious leaders (men), that so many still follow even today.

The literature I have read and the research I have done, has led me to believe Jesus of Nazareth did exist and he was one of the many enlightened individuals that have appeared throughout history to teach us what is really important in life. Along with the Dalai Lama and Buddha just to name a few.

I have always struggled with organised religion as my own experience was based on how Christianity was taught to me in Scripture class and in Church services. A lot of the different religions have way too many rules put in place by leaders of each faith, based on hidden agendas and interpretations of the bible itself.

I sought solace in the Spiritual Community which has also been referred to as “New Age”, which is a contradiction in terms, as much of what they believe is based on Ancient cultures and historical fact as well as traditions handed down from generation to generation.

I am descendent from Gypsies and have Celtic Blood, so my education was that of herbal remedies and what nature has to offer. Many experiences throughout my life has broadened my education and faith in a higher power, whatever that may be. I have educated myself on a number of belief systems and am open to learning more.

The Catholic Church has been much publicised of late, with a lot of Paedophilia and sexual depravation accusations. It is also reported to be the richest Church in the World and has it’s own principality, namely the Vatican City.

In the last Century or so, there have been a number of break away groups from mainstream Christianity/Religions. And that’s understandable because of the loss of faith and trust by their followers. We have seen the rise in New Age Christianity which has really take hold all over the world.

I recently watched a video of a senior pastor preaching his sermon at a local Christian Church and was fascinated and surprised by what I saw and heard. He was discussing “Understanding the Spiritual Realm”. It sounded very much like what I have read and heard over and over in regards to what is also preached as doctrine within the New Age Community. Especially to do with us being Spiritual beings having a human experience on earth. He used a story from the Book of Genesis about the brother’s Esau and Jacob as a way to describe Society and how Jacob had a mystical experience with Angels which convinced him of Gods’ existence. The Pastor’s interpretations was much different from the actual Bible story. The bible I have tells me he had a dream. He interjected this story with references to Reality TV Celeb families and other Social Media themes.

This was also interjected with the statement of you can’t just pray, you have to donate money and have real faith in God in order to be accepted by God. He narrated to the congregation about a time when he was 8 years old and his auntie had severe back pain that no medication nor medical treatment could fix. So a Pastor prayed over his Auntie and she jumped up and screamed that she had been healed and her pain was gone.

Now I believe in the power of the mind and the capacity we have to affect our lives by what we think and believe but to take away physical pain instantly is near impossible. Our bodies work in the most amazing ways but I find it difficult to believe that this woman’s pain was instantly relieved by a prayer. Unless the woman was a hypochondriac.

Not all but many, of these New Christian Churches are not what they seem. And I believe, based on much research and observation, they are indoctrinating and brainwashing people. They prey on the vulnerable and grieving, those searching for answers, as a way to escape, or just to feel like they belong. The Pastors are often charismatic and educated in the ways of Neuro Linguistic Programming and overwhelm potential followers with so much information and just garble. They break these people down emotionally and then rebuild them with manufactured beliefs that are often very contradictory and confusing. Most wouldn’t even question it as they don’t know otherwise, or know where to look if they wanted to research.

I pulled away from Organised Religion and also the New Age Community because I found the same thing happening amongst the Mediums, Psychics, Teachers, Gurus, Lighworkers and healers,etc, that had been polluting the Religious communities for centuries.

Faith is a personal thing, and I believe there are far too many people out there who will line their own pockets and serve their own self-serving agendas, at the cost of someone else’s sanity and faith. We are offered enlightenment and awakening as long as we follow a certain path or belief. But I have come to learn that no one size fits all. Too much dangerous information has been put out there that messes with so many people who see it as a failure on their part if they don’t get the results they were promised.