DISCLAIMER : I AM WRITTING ABOUT MY REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE AND CERTAIN THINGS MENTIONED MAY BE A TRIGGER FOR SOME PEOPLE, SUFFERING FROM COMPLEX PTSD AND OTHER MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES.
How often do we see young women and teenagers who present themselves in a sexually suggestive way. These young women seem to seek an abnormal amount of male attention. It surprises me the number of young teens who dress in such a way that shows a lot of skin and is sexually suggestive, regardless of the weather. The number of young girls who want to grow up too fast is alarming and it can often be attributed to a lack of a strong father figure or abuse at some point in their life. It’s often a lack of self-esteem and self-respect at play.
I was one of those young girls, I sought male attention and was often quite desperate in my actions. I was reluctant to dress suggestively though, as I had been body shamed and made to feel that I was unattractive.
My father was a great dad when he was allowed to be but this happened all too rarely. My mother was a difficult person to be around and my dad thought that his absence in the house, due to long work hours or sporting interests, would make for a more conducive environment for my brother and I to thrive in. Unfortunately it only made for a more abusive and unsettled atmosphere where I felt very much alone and unwanted.
From ages 6-8, I was sexually molested by my 14 year old brother. I was continually forced to lay with him as he touched me inappropriately. Luckily with no sexual penetration. The unfortunate part about this, the abuse probably went on for at least 2-3 years but I have very little memory of about 2 years of my life. His behaviour was left unchecked because both my parents were often at work or sleeping due to shift work. They did have a babysitter from time to time but most of the time I was left with my much older brother. It wasn’t until mum came home from work early one afternoon and saw for herself what he was doing to me, there was no denying it.
Her method of dealing with it was to punish both of us and blame me for what happened. I was sworn to secrecy and it was never mentioned again. My father never knew. My brother wasn’t really held responsible for his actions and I never got the help I so desperately needed.
I have strong memories of my sexuality being triggered early. The only attention I seemed to get that made me feel good, was the sexual molestation at the hands of my sibling, and this taught me that in order to get the attention and love I so desperately craved, I had to be sexual. I lost my virginity at 13 and was sexually active from then on. My interest in boys began very early and I was always trying to get the boys attention. At 13 I was dating 18 year old men and older. I found myself in compromising and very dangerous situations. I was raped at 13 as a result, which I hid because, I didn’t want to bring shame to my family, I knew what my mother’s reaction would be and I just couldn’t face it.
I never settled long term with any boyfriend because of the shame I felt about my unattractiveness and unworthiness. I was quick to become sexual with all males I found myself attracted to, because in my own dysfunctional way of thinking I thought that was what love was all about. I grew up thinking love was about abuse and Sex.
In relationships I settled for partners and often found myself in neglectful, abusive and controlling relationships. I had no boundaries. I believe I hid the true me because I felt if my own mother found me unlovable, how can anyone else love me. I lied and changed myself so much to fit in, to be what others wanted me to be. I don’t know what love and really intimacy is. I don’t understand it. It seems like it is something ever elusive to me.
The only love and intimacy I can deal with and understand, is that which I have shared with my pets. I have had a number of Dogs and now have a cat. The love I give and receive with these beings is unconditional, I can be myself and know that I am not judged. They don’t see what my mother saw in me, they don’t see my unworthiness or my failures, they only see how I care for them unconditionally.
I never had children because I don’t know what a mother really is or should be. I didn’t want to do to my children what I had done to me by my mother. I realised as a step mum I struggled to emotionally connect with my partner’s child, but I did take care of her and give her the life experience guidance she needed, and in my own funny way I showed her I loved her. As is often the case in broken families, the child is very confused and upset that their parents aren’t together and the younger they are, the more difficult it can be, for them to adjust. I was continually rejected by an innocent and on an intellectual level I understood why but, it was still rejection to me, the same kind of rejection that continued to factor in my entire life.
I tried to protect this child from the life I had when I was young. I tried to get her father to do what she needed him to do, be who she needed him to be, simply because my own father had mistakenly thought he was doing the right thing for his children and ultimately failed us. What some people need to realise, there are those given the gift of being a parent, who aren’t emotionally equipped to deal with it. And as a result they do more damage to this young innocent life than they do good. And the other parent, thinking they are doing the right thing, tries to negotiate, to work with, to keep the peace, etc; but end up failing because they don’t understand the person they are dealing with is a dysfunctional human being. Often the one parent can be lacking in empathy and is still functioning at the emotional level of a toddler, because something happened to them, that scarred them and affected them to the point they were emotional stunted.
Narcissistic parents have utilised techniques that we find abhorrent when it is used in any normal situation, but it is done behind closed doors and in such a way that it is hard to detect in the real world. These people are chameleons and masters of disguise and have an iron grip on their children that is unbreakable, except by the child themselves. To become a doctor it takes years of study and practical work to qualify but a parent doesn’t need a licence, as reproduction is part of our physical makeup.
What is real love? I wish I knew. I have grown to love and accept myself and realise my mother failed me in so many ways. I have come to accept there are certain things I can’t change about myself but I no longer feel guilty or shameful because of something that was done to me. It is a daily ritual for me to nurture and respect myself. To give myself the love and acceptance I was denied as a child. I don’t see myself as a victim any more, I survived and became so strong as a result of this. I am the strongest person I know and I trust only myself and my animals of course.